Sexual Fulfilment After 40: Harnessing Pleasure for Healing and Empowerment

Discover the untapped potential of love and sexuality that flourishes after 40, as I, Tarisha Tourok, share an intimate narrative with famous Hungarian singer Bea Palya.

This episode promises to encourage women to seize their sexual vitality with grace, regardless of the page they're currently on in their life's story.

We share our own transformative experiences with powerful body exercises, drawing a fascinating connection between emotional growth and sexual empowerment. 

Our discourse will reveal how moving past traumas can shift our relationship with sex from one of discomfort to one of ecstasy and empowerment. And it's not just theory; it's our personal stories.

We close by framing sex as a vessel for healing, drawing from the ancient wisdom of Mantak Chia and our own lives. 

Sex, when approached with intention and as a tool for healing, can be the grounding force we need during times of emotional storms. 

Through this exploration, we underscore the critical role of communication and the deliberate use of sex as a mechanism for growth, potentially leading us toward a more harmonious existence. 

Your host:

Tarisha Tourok is the founder of the Sexually Empowered Radiant Woman movement where women learn how to become radiant, confident and own the power and beauty of their sexuality no matter their size, shape, age or race.

FREE WEBINAR: Women Over 40: Discover 5 Keys to Unlock Your Desire So You Enjoy Heart-Melting Intimacy

This is perfect for women who are in a relationship and feel frustrated with their love life, are single and don't want to repeat past hurtful patterns where they lose themselves and their voice, and women who want to feel confident expressing their longings and desires

Join Free Online where you'll learn 5 obstacles to your desire and 5 actionable strategies to activate your desire so you stop feeling frustrated with your love life www.shedesires.live

Visit our website at www.radiantwoman.co.nz to join the Radiant Woman movement.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Could we talk about love and sex today Of?

Speaker 2: 0:02

course, I'm having a sexual encounter today with my partner.

Speaker 1: 0:08

Me too. That's for us. It's like my whole system just vibrates and it's also the feeling I get is I'm soaking love from him and I'm giving love and I'm soaking it through my skin. It's just even like putting a hand on his body feels. Oh, it just gives me so much.

Speaker 3: 0:29

Welcome to the Radiant Woman podcast, where women learn how to become radiant, confident and own the power and beauty of their sexuality, no matter their size, shape, age or race. Your host is Tarisha Turok. Visit our website at wwwradiantwomanconz to join the Radiant Woman movement. I would love to have you with us.

Speaker 1: 0:54

Hi everyone, welcome to this episode. I'm so happy to be here with you.

Speaker 2: 1:02

As always, I love you so much. It's like a pleasure, like for me too.

Speaker 1: 1:07

I don't know if we can be further from each other, like you in, oh no, but we can really connect it through the core of the earth and I just can't wait for a moment that we're gonna do our retreat in hawaii. I'm really seeing it I know we're gonna do Today. I wanted to talk about the importance of love in our lives because I feel like sometimes it's missing. I know, as women, we crave it and we really want it so much, but sometimes we decide that it's not for me. I haven't met someone or my time has passed. But I feel for me, especially after 40 years, when it's like it just gives me so much pleasure and fulfillment and nourishment and it just gives me so much energy. So I thought could we talk about love and sex today?

Speaker 2: 1:55

Of course, and even more because when I jumped in, maybe you know this is a talk that we never prepare, really, we just jump in and, as we love and respect each other, I think it's totally tuned in Because, my Toresha, I thought maybe we should talk about love and sex after 40. I had a wonderful sexual encounter today with my partner.

Speaker 1: 2:18

Me too.

Speaker 2: 2:21

That's for us. I'm 48. And so somehow it triggered a thought in me that maybe we should explore this theme, that above 40s we don't do that because we are the probably parents and like my daughter or our daughters or our children, are in their teenager age, where their sexuality is starting to blossom and bloom. And how about our sexuality? What do we do with it? And maybe it's a second, I don't know, flourishing, or a second blossom, or I don't know how many, I'd say it's fourth, or fifth, flourishing.

Speaker 1: 3:00

But it feels so flourishing you know what it feels like. It feels like with all the practices that I've been doing and really coming into the body, my body is so alive. It's like my whole system just vibrates and it's almost the feeling I get is I'm soaking love from him and I'm giving love and I'm soaking it through my skin. It's just even like putting a hand on his body feels. Oh, it just gives me so much and it's just so intensely pleasurable. It's just intense, wow.

Speaker 2: 3:34

So even just to listen to this, I have all kinds of sensations. I don't know if our listeners feel it, but I do feel it and that's why I started to in a moment, like mirroring you, because it's actually came through the camera and you know what I have made. Maybe one of my favorite books is Dr Stella Resnick, the Pleasure Zone. I don't know if you know that book. It's a wonderful book and what you said remind me of her theory. She says in that book that maybe the reason we don't get enough or much pleasure is because we are afraid that it will be so overwhelming. That kind of pleasure will sweep us away and we can't contain it. And the way you are describing your aliveness in your body, that's why I love it, because you are not afraid of the overwhelm, so you still contain it. Or if it overflows of your body, you still somehow handle this state of mind and body.

Speaker 1: 4:33

so it's it totally makes sense because in my work, what I do with women, what we work with basically my whole work is about construction and expansion. How do we contract in the body and how do we expand. And what I'm teaching is actually how can we run more emotions through our body and pain, pleasure, all of it on the spectrum, and I've trained my body to feel more, and so the more pain I can feel then, the more pleasure I can feel as well. It's really makes sense and it's like my body is like such a conduit now.

Speaker 2: 5:09

It's like yeah, and you really feel alive, even from the other side, other part of the world. You're really alive and it makes me curious how do you train your body exactly? Can you tell us? Maybe one or two, and then I also drop some it'll be nice to hear your experience as well.

Speaker 1: 5:27

Yeah, but so how I train my bodies? Through practices. Yeah, one of the important practice I can share with distance actually and I can put the playlist that I have for it is letting your body speak. Practice where there's music for 10 minutes and then there's silence as well for 10 minutes. The invitation is it's not a dance, but it's actually I'm listening to my body, I'm really tuning into my body and then I'm starting to move my body with the emotion.

Speaker 1: 5:57

However, emotion wants to move my body. If it's frustration, how does frustration move through my body? If it's love, how does love move through my body? If it's love, how does love move through my body? If it's anger, how does anger move through my body? And the idea is even to move just one finger. That's enough, because sometimes we're going to the freeze, yeah, but if I just even move one finger, then the movement comes and maybe the tears and maybe the joy and maybe the numbness, but the numbness again. So it's not freezes us, but at least moving one finger and they're just starting to feel the emotion and express it.

Speaker 1: 6:35

Feel it and express it and I feel like actually at the base of love making, being a good lover. There's a piece like how to become a good lover. The only thing is that I'm able to feel it and express it right in the moment. I'm feeling it and expressing right in the moment and that's how we can come into resonance with our partner, because they feel us feeling and they receive it and they express it and we start creating that I feel, I express, I feel express. My partner feels so attuned to his body as well, into my body, that and there's so much safety I guess safety is a big piece and that actually I feel so safe to feel with him it's so beautiful even just to be with you and just to witness your joyful state after your encounter.

Speaker 2: 7:24

I'm so happy for all women, every person in the world who can have that. And actually, even today, I told in an interview we were talking about responsibility, because the woman asked me but you are so alive and also so structured. But I think everybody is so alive and can be structured because aliveness is not something, it's not attached to my singing capacities, because people see me as a white singer, which I am, but your eyes are like whoa, yes, but everybody has this source, this raw energy inside which can be described as sexual energy, and everybody has a channel to go down to this source and bring things up. And so what I would like to share is I have many, but, as I was listening to you, I have one practice that is voice related, of course, because I'm talking with a voice, of course.

Speaker 2: 8:23

So it starts, I call it I breathe through my ear, so I imagine that I can breathe into any body parts. Basically, first I start with nose and then maybe the mouth, which is a natural way, but then I go to the body parts which have holes, but usually you don't breathe in through your ears or through your eyes or through your vagina even, but you can imagine that. So maybe we can do breathe in through the ear and then, when you breathe out, you say ah, and you breathe out through the ear. Now you breathe in through your right eye and you breathe out through your right eye and you breathe out through your right eye, now your left eye. You breathe in through your left eye and breathe out through your left eye. Now maybe you can breathe in through your vagina.

Speaker 2: 9:35

Sorry, I jumped all the degrees. But then, which is even more tricky, you can breathe in through your little finger, which normally has no holes, but you can still imagine breathe in through your little finger and then breathe out through the right little finger okay, the other one. And then you can breathe in through your right breast, through your left breast, that's here to your right knee. Belly button, belly button, yeah, so of course it's partly visualization, because new neural pathways are formed by visualization first, and then you feel something, and I can tell you already feel it. So I feel all of it.

Speaker 1: 10:20

I usually just do the vagina, the yoni, breathing.

Speaker 2: 10:23

That's what I do, so for me it's so easy, but it's just feel like the whole energy, just like it's so beautiful, I'm so alive and I don't know how it's for your women, but as I'm working officially with the voice, but that one part of my teaching is voice and sexuality, I go first with some low risk part, moving the hands, and so it's. It can help for women or people who are maybe not so familiar with their vaginas or body parts like more intimate parts. Hand hand is a low risk but it's still good. So good, so good to train the feeling and be in the body part with the attention and I don't know it doesn't feel like imagination though, like it actually feels so real and a lot like I am breathing through my.

Speaker 1: 11:13

Is it real?

Speaker 2: 11:14

I'm like, but I feel it of course, because you are so trained and we work together and I know you're so like your body is channeled with all the essential pathways and actually you can really feel it, because even when I teach it, I feel it so, probably on the other side of the camera. If people, the only thing they have to do and if you're listening or watching us is really form this internal image in your mind's eye that you can breathe somehow in through the finger and breathe out and somehow all these lines become like tangible and so vivid that you can truly do it and then you feel it. But that's how you create new neural pathways that you visualize first and then your body starts to feel and it's same for the vagina and all the sexual feeling or all the sensations during sex that you can imagine. The other time I was teaching like, okay, do this with your right, yeah, let pull to the left your mouth and then do the same with your vagina.

Speaker 1: 12:32

I've never done this one.

Speaker 2: 12:34

This is something new for me this is something I created because I have a whole series about lips up, lips down, so we did all these parallels and it's so funny because when I see women like concentrating so hard on the left side of the vagina, but it's so funny because when I see women like concentrating so hard on the left, left side of the vagina, but it's so beautiful because maybe it's the first time that they imagine ever that the vagina can have a left side, and so it's so beautiful because that's how you will feel something there and we can also do that. And then you can do hear something in your throat, like you close the throat and you open it same thing in the cervix up up there, and then, of course, it won't be open fully, but and it just feels so good and I think is that what brings us pleasure and that's why I feel so much more pleasure now.

Speaker 1: 13:38

Is that really being inside my body? Because when I started I was like here, I didn't want to be here. I was like I don't want to be in the body, this is too painful, like I don't want to be a human, and I was floating there and I remember my experience of sex used to be. It felt dirty, it felt yuck, it felt like something that I should enjoy, but I wasn't enjoying it. So it's not like I wasn't born with this, and especially being sexually abused when I was little. Like it was like something like I don't want to do that. And now this feels so beautiful, so powerful, so opening.

Speaker 2: 14:15

Let me uplift you because the path you've taken, darisha, is just truly so honorable, so beautiful, so something to teach, something to share, and if I would be there I would just hug you and kiss you all around because of who you are, and because for me it's a beautiful example that how you can turn your pain into power, your dirt into treasure.

Speaker 2: 14:46

And it's very important what you are saying also. You were saying earlier and I wanted to refer it to that you said that as you feel your pain, you feel pleasure. Or you, when you were talking about your playlist, the dance and silence and movement, that you feel everything. And how does pain move in my body? How does pleasure or anger move in my body? And I think this is a so important piece and let us emphasize that If you don't feel your pain, you cannot feel the pleasure, neither the pain.

Speaker 1: 15:23

Sorry for the bad news, but then there is this piece where, the more we start to feel, we can actually start to feel pleasure in pain, pleasure in grief, pleasure in sadness. That's the other piece to that?

Speaker 2: 15:38

yeah, because, and sensations and emotions are like ants, like they are moving, like that, they are constantly changing into each other. So sometimes you don't even feel like even I had today a beautiful sex encounter with my it was about you.

Speaker 1: 15:53

Yesterday was your experience. I want to know, but how's your experience?

Speaker 2: 15:57

it was first. It was very beautiful because yesterday I had a concert. It also grounded me after concert because there's a kind of concert hangover the next day. It's like I have workshop.

Speaker 1: 16:11

I have workshop can go was big time and sex really helps me yeah.

Speaker 2: 16:16

So sex first it had me to be grounded, but at the same time also it had me to fly even more. And it was so interesting because yesterday the concert was very airy, like I was writing about birds and we were singing pieces, new pieces, and so today, in this sexual encounter, I felt that my partner helped me fly a little higher, but also I felt a little more embodied in the end, of course, because I was somehow I'm not saying I was out of my body in the concert, but something like that when I sing I go to the other world to bring up some treasures from there, like the unsayable, the unsingable, the untouchable. My job is to turn all this into melodies and songs, into melodies and songs, and it makes the body a little, I don't know unfeelable in the end, or like who am I, who is this person?

Speaker 2: 17:17

and I noticed you're like oh, there's. Yeah, I was like very nervous this morning because I gave interviews in the morning and I was not so nice with my partner before the sex of course and so this is a kind of strange hangover state after concert because I also feel all these hormonal changes. I was driving after the concert and I felt as the adrenaline and the endorphin level went down. Yeah, it was so feelable, like it was I could literally now it's here. Now it's here, nice, okay, now it's gone, and today this encounter just helped me be me again in my, in a body level. So I think it's it was very important.

Speaker 1: 17:58

But I wanted to say something but just like what's important, what I'm hearing, what's important, because quite often women feel like I really have to be in a good mood and we have to be really connected and happy to have sex. But what I'm hearing, you actually you didn't have, you weren't nice, right, but that really helped you to connect and that's the beautiful piece of course, I even okay, let's okay, now we are becoming.

Speaker 2: 18:23

I even had talking about left side of vaginas. I even have a little wound there because of an old small operation, but yet I feel that and I even shown to my partner like that side. So we need to change the angle so that his penis, like, really touch this little wounded part so that I can feel that and I can turn pain it's not not a sharp pain, but I feel it pain into pleasure and this is really conscious and the reason I'm just sharing it. It's not really cool. Yeah, it's not about me.

Speaker 2: 19:01

It's more about a wisdom that mantak chia shares or all the Taoist sexual wisdom shares that sex is much more a healing modality, a healing tool. It's not something that you do when you feel like you can decide that you do it on a regular basis as a healing tool for yourself or for your partner and for the world. So that's how we didn't. It wasn't like, okay, seduce me, no, we didn't have time for that or we didn't have the mood for that today. Sorry, I'm concert hangover. I wasn't nice with him, but we had a sex rendezvous. So after eating, okay, let's go up. And we started.

Speaker 1: 19:44

Beautiful yeah, it's bringing consciousness right and it's again. It's that piece where the pain is the contraction, right, and you're going into the contraction with love, right, and a bit of pressure and you're consciously releasing it.

Speaker 2: 20:00

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 20:01

And opening.

Speaker 2: 20:02

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 20:03

But that really takes that presence like in you and in him.

Speaker 2: 20:08

But it's also so it's a co-committed relationship after divorce. I'm in my late 40s, he's in mid 50s, so it's our deal that we heal each other with every way we can and we grow together. So there is a deal or an alignment between us. So when I do that, he knows what I mean, and so please let me turn my pain into pleasure, please help me heal my wound. And he is so cool, he's such a nice man. And I'm just saying that this doesn't come in a normal romantic relationship, which, like we know the statistics and the studies and science that it's not more than two years. In a co-committed longer relationship you have planned sex rendezvous. You might have those. You decide on purpose that you're gonna have sex and I have to also admit that lately I was a little overworking myself and he's doing the same now.

Speaker 1: 21:10

but we had a deal that no today yeah, and that's putting that intention, that it's and it's also, but doing that together and because quite often women like I'm just too tired, I'm too exhausted, but actually it gives you energy, it replenishes you and that's what you're talking about grounds.

Speaker 2: 21:28

It gives you what's missing yeah, and I also have to admit I'm sometimes tired and I had a serious missing hours of sleep lately in the last two years, and it's also a valid choice. But just that you know that you can also have daytime sex or morning sex or I don don't know hidden sex while the children are in their school. So there are so many things that you can do if you think sex is a healing tool. Sex is for your well-being. It's not just something that you do when you want to seduce someone. No, it's also a physical healing modality, like you can literally heal your organs with this energetic flow.

Speaker 1: 22:13

And I'm saying it's yeah, it's like making love physically, making love in my body and making physically making love in the world, like a really kind of creates more love in the world.

Speaker 2: 22:27

I'm so happy you heard that. You heard me saying that and I know you are also. You are teaching that when you make this kind of love to yourself and to your partner, it really makes the world a better place. Hopefully, because it might sound, but I think the big part of what's going on now in the world it's so much of sexual, not just unsatisfaction, but the missing and suppressed sexual energy which turns then into anger and project there to someone else. But it's, yeah, it's from early on. It's a missing piece of our culture and of our days today.

Speaker 2: 23:07

So I hope even this little chat will help.

Speaker 1: 23:10

As you're talking about it, a crazy thought came to me. I shouldn't say it, but I'm going to say it. If Putin had more sex, if all those presidents had actually really satisfying sex, maybe life would be quite different on this planet.

Speaker 2: 23:25

You are not crazy to say that. I'm sorry for every president, but I think politics is a dirty game. I'm not in it. You are not crazy to say that and I'm sorry for every president, but I think politics is a it's a dirty game. I'm not in it and I'm really far from it, and, yeah, someone needs to do it, but I think it's not a happy place to be, although we should. We should have happy presidents to lead a country very satisfied very sexual, but we're so different.

Speaker 2: 23:46

Yeah, that'd be so different, huh, yeah, but somehow I have a trust in women leaders. First, I love to be with women and then and I teach a lot of women and I I learn a lot from women, so I think we have a chance still. And it's nothing against men. I love men, I love every gender. Really, it's nothing about love men.

Speaker 1: 24:08

Of course, we love men, I I love every gender, really it's nothing about.

Speaker 2: 24:11

We love men. Of course we love men. Of course we do. I feel it brings here in Hungary and so I start to see all the beautiful men. Yesterday, my manager is a young woman, so we were driving to the concert and we both like hello and I'm in a co-committed relationship, but still it doesn't mean that I don't see beautiful men on the street.

Speaker 1: 24:39

I was teaching my women yesterday. I was teaching my course and I was teaching how to flirt and how to flirt from your heart. But it's so important to bring the playfulness to share. I would invite people to, if you listen, to connect to your heart and share the joy of being here with other people, because that's what's going to uplift other people. When I go to the shop and I just feel good about myself and I wink at the shop assistant and we have this conversation and then they're just like oh, the smile, it's beautiful. Share our smiles, share our joy.

Speaker 2: 25:12

Yeah, and I was so tired before jumping in and also I was like, oh my God, it's late and I know it's early for you and also I really share about my sexual encounter, but why not with you? It's so natural, it's also sexual and flirting somehow that it's flowing so easily between us and I. Just again I want to uplift you because you are the one who are like planting the seeds for those conversations and I'm really enjoying it. So thank you, thank you, thank you.

Speaker 1: 25:41

I feel the resonance and I wonder it's such a resonance? What if we finish this with a song? Are you up to it or not?

Speaker 2: 25:49

That's what I was thinking. Come on, are you reading my mind?

Speaker 1: 25:53

That's the resonance.

Speaker 2: 25:54

Yes.

Speaker 4: 26:07

I went down in a river to pray. That's the resonance. Oh, sisters, let's go down, let's go down, come on, down, come on, sisters, sisters, let's go down, let's go down Down in the river to pray. Oh, you're so gorgeous, bea.

Speaker 1: 27:18

I love you so much. Thank you so much. Okay, can we just end on this. Is there anything you want to tell the listeners about, anything you're doing now that you want them to know about? Let me see.

Speaker 2: 27:31

Maybe just one top takeaway that give yourself permission to think of sex as a healing tool, so that you can take it as a pill and you then you don't have all these thoughts around like, just take it because it makes you healthy. It's like good food or, I don't know, a good green tea. So first give yourself permission to do that. And the second I would like to share is that I'm gonna teach in the conference called the master series, one of the most important'm going to teach in the conference called the Master Series, one of the most important conferences of trauma healing, and the conference main figures are Besser van der Klok, gabor Mate, who is my friend, daniel Siegel, and I'm going to open this conference with a song and giving a short concert in the Harry Potter church and then I'm going to host a two hour long workshop voice workshop.

Speaker 2: 28:22

So that will be my September beautiful achievement and I still don't believe it, but it's. I'm really happy because it can show that how the voice work I do and I developed all over the years can really be a healing tool for so many people and it's reachable and you can do it every day and it's not something that you have to think as performance or you have to be a good singer in order to have a voice. No, it's nothing about that. Voice is like something that free your emotions in your body, even the suppressed one. So I'm really happy.

Speaker 1: 28:57

I'm so happy for you. This is so beautiful. Oh, I would love to be in the audience and just listen to you. I'm like wow.

Speaker 2: 29:07

So good that you mentioned that, because I think there is online attendance.

Speaker 1: 29:11

Maybe if you can give us a link so I can put it on the episode so people can join, that would make it so cool.

Speaker 2: 29:17

It will be in September, between the 10th, 11th and the 15th. Is there anything you want to share?

Speaker 1: 29:23

I'm so excited. Yesterday I recorded five videos talking about sex and our relationship with our body. So I'm doing a mini course which is going to be free Sexual confidence, heal your relationship with your body and your sexuality. I'm going to teach five practices and I'll be just sharing it everywhere so women can just get into the journey of actually how do we heal that relationship, because that's how then we can experience this deeply fulfilling sex. But first we really need to heal that relationship with our body and sexuality and I wanted to for women to be excited about it. It's not something heavy, but the way I put it all on the platform, it's just going to be exciting and celebratory. We can do it together. So I'm very excited about the course.

Speaker 2: 30:10

I'm also so excited just as you talk about it, and I really remember you three years ago and your path is so beautifully something blessed, and maybe it's another takeaway that I want to highlight that you can turn your pain into power again. You can really find the joy and the treasure in the mud, and just you have to go for it, and maybe this mini course is one of the first steps to do that. So I'm really happy for you and thank you for this energetic space that we can create with your guidance or with your seed that you planted into our mind, and I hope to continue that soon. Yes, we'll see you in a month.

Speaker 1: 30:50

Okay, big hug, love you.