Boundaries & Desires: 5 Steps to Ask for What Your Want in the Bedroom (and Get It!) with Tarisha Tourok

Mastering Intimacy: The Art of Communicating Desires and Boundaries

This episode provides essential tools for discussing boundaries and desires in intimate relationships with confidence and compassion. 

The session delves into a five-step 'Intimacy Communication Formula' that includes setting yourself up for success, setting the scene, opening the window into your world, stepping into your partner's world, and letting go of the outcome. 

The workshop emphasises the importance of self-worth, managing emotions, and releasing past traumas to create deeper connections. Real-life examples and client testimonials highlight the transformative potential of the techniques. 

Additionally, the session underscores the significance of women-centered support and detailed guidance for achieving fulfilling intimacy.

00:00 Introduction to Boundaries and Desires

00:50 The Importance of Communication in Intimacy

01:42 Overcoming Fear and Guilt in Expressing Needs

03:07 Real-Life Example: Sarah's Journey

05:48 Common Struggles in Voicing Desires

13:13 Effects of Unexpressed Needs

18:54 The Intimacy Communication Formula

19:26 Step 1: Set Yourself Up for Success

31:44 Step 2: Set the Scene

33:46 Step 3: Open the Window into Your World

42:10 Expressing Desires and Boundaries

44:44 Stepping into Their World

47:14 Managing Emotional Triggers

53:06 Letting Go of the Outcome

57:30 Course Overview and Steps to Success

59:09 Personal Stories and Testimonials

01:09:37 Practical Steps for Intimacy Conversations

Your host:

Tarisha Tourok is the founder of the Sexually Empowered Radiant Woman movement where women learn how to become radiant, confident and own the power and beauty of their sexuality no matter their size, shape, age or race.

FREE MINI COURSE: Unlock Your Sexual Confidence - Learn 5 Practices to Heal Your Relationship with Your Body & Your Sexuality

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FREE WEBINAR: Women Over 40: Discover 5 Keys to Unlock Your Desire So You Enjoy Heart-Melting Intimacy

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This is perfect for women who are in a relationship and feel frustrated with their love life, are single and don't want to repeat past hurtful patterns where they lose themselves and their voice, and women who want to feel confident expressing their longings and desires

Join free online Decode Your Desire challenge where you'll learn 5 obstacles to your desire and 5 actionable strategies to activate your desire so you stop feeling frustrated with your love life

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Transcript

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Today we're going to be talking about boundaries and desires and how you can speak about them and get what you really  want. And it's a skill and it's an art .  We're gonna talk about how to ask confidently for what you really want, how to express your desires, how to express your boundaries in the bedroom. Yeah, so it relates to intimate life. 

I'm gonna share with you a formula. to create a safe and open space. So you can really have those intimate conversations. 

Also we're going to look at the ways that you can communicate your needs without feeling demanding, or ashamed, or guilty because that's what quite often happens, yeah? I'm not going to ask because what if I'm too much, yeah? And the other one, we're going to talk about the secret of inviting a positive response from your partner, yeah?

From your current partner or your future partner. 

The Importance of Communication in Intimacy

And so why this workshop matters,  yeah, is because being able to ask for what you need and get it, it's actually, it's crucial in creating fulfilling, intimate life. We can't do it without it. Yeah. And so this workshop will give you tools to feel comfortable, to feel confident and feel excited to express your desires, express your boundaries. 

. When you learn how to ask for what you need in the bedroom, right? With clarity, with confidence, with compassion, when you become an invitation, you can unlock a really new level of intimacy, new level of connection. Yeah. And being someone right, who is looking for a relationship, or if you're already in the relationship,  it's the way to actually change the dynamic.

Yeah. And it's also the way to, and I'm going to talk about this today. It's a way to give permission to your partner, to talk about their needs and desires, yeah, so it benefits, yeah, both of you. 

Overcoming Fear and Guilt in Expressing Needs

And so this is your mission for today, is to accept,  right, if you accept this mission, to understand the intimacy communication formula and to learn how to apply it in your life so that you enjoy intimacy that melts your heart and delights your spirit. 

Yeah, and for now, I would invite you to close your eyes maybe and just imagine,  yeah, if you can imagine this,  that you and your partner are lying together, your current partner, your future partner,  and you feel comfortable expressing what you really want.  There's no more awkwardness, there's no fear of being judged,  and you're communicating in a way that feels natural, that feels good to you,  and you feel respected, you feel heard. 

And then your partner responds to you with enthusiasm,  and the intimacy between you has deepened. There's honesty, there's respect, there's depth and vulnerability.  And you start to feel like we are in this together.  Yeah?  And there are moments of passion that deeply fulfills you.  Just imagine, how would that be for you? 

Yeah,  and that's what we're going for. Yeah. 

Real-Life Example: Sarah's Journey

And this is,  Sarah, one of my clients, that's what happened for her. Yeah. Cause she was so frustrated. She was feeling so hopeless because they lost that ability to talk to each other. And as I say, the more partners stay together, the more the pattern get established and it's more difficult to break that pattern.

Yeah. And she was so worried about talking about her desires because she felt like  he's not going to respond. I'm going to feel rejected. Yeah. And of course, when she was asking for it, she was already feeling that fear. And when she was asking, the request was loaded. And then when the partner heard her loaded request, he felt like I've already failed.

Of course I can never do it for her. Right. And so he wouldn't even step up and do it for her. And so that's how they continue to feel dissatisfied. Yeah. And frustrated. And then working through the formula, working with your inner state, which we're going to talk about a lot today. She really started to talk in a way that would invite him to respond to her.

Yeah. And that's where that happens is actually we can become an invitation and invite our partners to respond to us beautifully. And just imagine how would that be for you? Yeah. So this is the outcome. Yeah. Once you learn what I'm teaching you today, it's really, you're going to feel empowered to express your needs, to express your desires, to express your boundaries, and you'll become an invitation for your partner.

And your partner will want to step into that intimacy with you and actually give you what you want. Yeah,  and you might already know me. I can see some of you know me, some of you don't know me, so just a couple of,  words about me so you know why you're listening to me, yeah? But,  I didn't just,  make it all up and I've done,  quite a bit on this path and I've been working in this for the last,  14 years since my daughter was one.

And,  used to be a childhood accountant and I got trained after some time, I got trained in,  HAKOMI psychotherapy. I've got two postgraduate degrees in counseling and in psychotherapy. And I've completed master's research on the power of group work for empowering women's sexuality. And I totally believe in women's group work because it's such a powerful modality.

Yeah. And then I'm trained in sacred sexuality. So I integrate Eastern wisdom with our Western wisdom. Yeah. To give you the best. And I'm also a couple of therapists trained in emotionally focused therapy. And I'm certified in women centered coaching and facilitation.  And also I help hundreds of women to unlock the power and beauty of their sexuality.

So they feel confident, they feel attractive, they feel vibrantly alive, and I so know it's possible for you. Yeah. I'm so happy to have you here.  

Common Struggles in Voicing Desires

And so why we struggle to ask for what we really want. And now I invite you because this is a workshop so we're going to be writing. You're not just listening to me, yeah?

You're going to be reflecting. So let me know, like, find your,  pen and paper and let me know why do you think we struggle to ask for what we need and I'm gonna give you a couple of yeah maybe a minute just to write why do you struggle to ask for what you need and if you can share with us here  and when you share I don't need to I'm not gonna say your name right so you feel you in privacy but it'll be nice to hear why do you struggle with asking for what you need 

Yeah. And I'd love to hear from you. Why do you feel you struggle to ask for what you need? And so this is one of the things, right? Why we struggle because we're scared of rejection. Yeah. We're so afraid of rejection,  or judgment. Yeah. That it's a really big fear for humans. Yeah. So when we share vulnerably our desires, we, my worry, What if they think I'm too much?

Yeah, what if they don't respond the way I hope they will respond  and that fear of rejection Creates this invisible wall. Yeah, it blocks us from expressing ourselves  And the fear often rooted in past experiences in our childhood or in our past intimacies where we felt dismissed Invalidated misunderstood.

Yeah,  so check in with yourself with that. That's why you're scared Why you don't ask what you really need  Then the next one is, we might feel guilty. Yeah. We might feel guilty for having needs and this is such a feminine thing that we might feel like,  that have needs is selfish or maybe I'm gonna be needy. 

And society teaches us that our worth is in what we give Yeah. Rather than  what we can receive. Yeah. And guilt creates hesitation, creates a sense of, our needs aren't worthy enough to be spoken out loud.  And  we might believe that by  voicing our needs, we're taking away from others. Yeah.  And so we really need to reframe  that where this is not selfish to ask what we need.

Yeah.  And thank you. Yes. Feeling embarrassed. Yes. What would he think about his lack of ability to give me pleasure? Yes. And that's another piece we're trying to protect.  So there's shame around our desires as well, right? As women, we're not supposed to show our desire.  And cultural norms our upbringing can lead us to believe that our desires are inappropriate or they're embarrassing or they're too much.

Yeah. And then it really becomes difficult to express them openly. It holds us back. And we might judge our desires as wrong, right? Or dirty. And I wonder if that's true for you and you can write it down. I was really reflecting on this now. What is it for you? Why is it difficult?  And when shame is present, we feel disconnected from our needs.

And then it makes nearly impossible to share our needs and desires with others because shame really freezes us. Yeah. It acts as it freezes us. We're unable to speak. We're unable to do anything. We're unable to express us. Yeah.  The next one is fear of conflict. And that's,  happens or as,  yes, Marsha, thank you, as,  feeling embarrassed, right?

I don't want to hurt. So either I don't want to go in conflict or I don't want to hurt the other person. How are they going to take it? Yeah. If I share my desires, it might mean that they're not doing something or I want something different in that relationship. Yeah. And it might create conflict in the relationship. 

And then we start avoiding conflict, we stop,  speaking our desires, we just don't want to rock the boat, yeah? We ask, we're afraid of asking for something that really feels good, because we want to keep that balance, yeah? But I tell you that if we're trying so hard to keep that balance, it means that balance is not there.

Yeah. That it's really unbalanced and we're shutting down our desires, trying to pretend that there is balance. Yeah. Cause when there is balance, it doesn't matter what you share. The balance stays there. Yeah. It actually really means that you're on the rocky ground. Yeah. And then another one is that we might feel that our needs are not as important.

Yeah.  Because many women  condition prioritize other people needs. Yeah. And we might believe my needs don't matter so much.  And don't feel unworthy, right?  Less important silence is our voice. We can't speak up.  And then another one is difficulty with vulnerability. And I wonder if you can relate to this one, because if I really express my desires, I'm actually opening myself up.

Yeah. And it's such a vulnerable thing that quite often we prefer not to have our needs fulfilled, then actually feel vulnerable. Here I am. This is what I want. This is what I desire. Yeah. And we're scared that we're going to be judged.  It feels risky. Yeah, because the thing is, it both invites possibility of closeness and possibility of getting hurt.

And that's how relationships go. The more we open up our heart to love, to connection, the more there is risk that we might be hurt, right? Because people we love the most hurt us the most. So check in if you are not voicing your desires because you're actually afraid of being hurt. 

And it's really nice to see you engaging.  Yes, putting the other people needs first. Yes, that's what happens so often.  So if any of you can find how I can open the,  the chat for all of you to see, it'll be so nice if you can communicate with each other. But I can't figure it out because I'm teaching here.

So if you can,  you can let me know. Yeah. And so these struggles are so common. Yeah.  And they're very understandable because we're swimming in our culture and that's how,  We're socialized. That's how we relate to our needs, yeah? And quite often for men it's way easier to express their needs and desires.

It's way more difficult for women. But then we feel frustration, we feel resentment. ,  I remember when I was growing up, yeah? Because of my sexual abuse. I actually couldn't speak and sometimes I would go to a place like this silent place where I feel like I'm just walking in the forest and there's no one around me and I would lose my voice.

Like I'm sitting with my partner, I want to ask, right, what I want, what doesn't work for me, and I couldn't speak, like it would really get stuck in my throat, yeah? And I would go into this voiceless place,  and feel that shame and I can't speak up and then my partner would get really upset,  with me for not voicing myself, but that wouldn't help me, that would  get me deeper into that voiceless place.

Yeah. And I remember my partner then feeling powerless, feeling inadequate,  and then getting really upset about it.  But it's not like something that we can think our way through. We really need to feel it. We need to heal it. So if you're at a place now where you feel like I can't really voice my needs, yeah, there's a way.

And today I'll share with you, yeah, the way how you can actually start finding your voice.  

Effects of Unexpressed Needs

So the effects on us. Yeah.  What happens to us when we can't voice our needs? First one is we really have our unfulfilled needs and desires, right? Obvious. Yeah. Because we don't express what we want and our needs go unmet. Yeah, and then it leads to feelings of emptiness dissatisfaction in a sense something is missing So as I speak now, yes, see which one it is for you Yeah,  then we have this build up resentment because when we hold back the resentment starts to build up We're like if they loved me more they would do it for me Yeah, how come this is not happening for me and we stay silent our needs are not met  And there's a resentment, yeah?

And then what also happens is that it creates low self esteem, right? Low self worth. Because we're not valuing our needs, yeah, enough to express them, it kind of reinforces that belief that my needs aren't worthy or deserving of attention, respect, or love.  What also happens is emotional exhaustion, which I talk to so many women, yeah, I work with, it's quite,  quite something.

When we constantly suppress our desires, we have to manage our emotions. Yeah. And there's no support because we're not asking for what we want, what we need. So there's no support. And it leads to burnout, frustration and feelings of isolation. And also it increases our self criticism  because the silent.

Right? Staying silent about our needs often fuels the self judgment,  making us feel like weak, unable to stand up for ourselves. And then it can worsen being a critic attack. Yeah. So see if you relate to this. I wonder if you relate to this.  And then there are missed opportunities for growth. And that's actually a big one, because when we share our needs and desires, it allows our relationship to grow, it allows us to grow.

But when we stay quiet, we're really missing opportunities for growth, to evolve, to deepen trust, to strengthen the bond, yeah?  And quite often it actually leads to compromise mental and physical health. Yeah. Because unexpressed emotions and unmet needs can really lead to stress. You have to hold back yourself.

Yeah. It can lead to anxiety, to physical symptoms, like headaches, sleep issues, digestive problems. When we hold it all inside of us, it can actually really affect us. And yesterday I was talking to a client. I was like, wow, it really affects me physically. If I don't speak up, it actually really,  like, the belly tenses,  the disturbances in sleep, and this deep anxiety that I can't speak up and I'm so scared of speaking up,  

okay, so that's effects on us, and I invite you to reflect on it, yeah, and to write it down. What effect not being able to speak has on you?  And how it affects others. And this is such an important point because we might feel it's selfish. Yeah. To express my needs and desires, but actually what I share with you now, if you really listen to this, it's not just about you, it actually, everyone loses.

 So when we hold back,. From expressing our needs and desires, it creates confusion, creates misunderstanding, because our partners might be left guessing what's wrong. Yeah, they may interpret silence as indifference because quite often we feel right something is not quite right We feel it, but I don't know what it is.

And then that leads to confusion. It leads to miscommunication Misunderstanding.   Then what it creates creates emotional distance because when we hold back our partners can sense it right even if they don't know why and that lack of openness is creates a subtle or sometimes very obvious barrier and it prevents true closeness.

 Then it also encourages the pattern of avoidance. It's holding back teaches both partners to avoid addressing issues directly. We just wipe it under the carpet. Yeah. And over time, this dynamic can lead to a relationship dynamic where,  real conversations and emotional honesty just continuously sidelined, like it's not there.

And that's why I say, if you're in a relationship and been doing this for a while, it might be harder to shift it. It's possible, but it could be harder. Yeah.  The next one is unmet needs, of course, for both partners, right? Because if one partner is  not speaking about their needs, then the other partner doesn't feel as vulnerable and open to actually share their needs as well. 

Yeah.  Then the other one is increased tension and resentment. Yeah, obviously. Yeah. It can lead to the specific aggressive behavior or you can feel irritable. Yeah. Your partner can feel irritable. Yeah. And this tension spills into the relationship. It even spills into our children. Yeah. So the best thing you can do for your children is actually get your needs fulfilled.

Start speaking up about your desires, about your boundaries.  Yeah,  and then of course there's diminished physical intimacy. Okay, there's lack of lack of trust and vulnerability and diminished physical intimacy Yeah, because we're not as vulnerable. We're not asking for what we want  And of course, there's no intimacy.

 The big part is that There's feelings of rejection or inadequacy in the partner because sexually right if we don't ask for what we need They feel that we are not quite satisfied. We're not quite fulfilled We might avoid physical intimacy, but they feel like I don't know what to do about it They start to feel lost and they have no idea what to do and they start to feel like there's something wrong with me Right  either if you're rejected or I can't I have no idea how to fulfill her.

What can I do here?  Yeah,  so let me know how this lands

And so this is the shifter, that asking for what you need is a form of self love, is a form of empowerment, is a form of actually loving your partner as well. It's not just about you. When you ask for what you need, yeah, it's loving for everyone. And that's the key to creating fulfilling intimacy.  

The Intimacy Communication Formula

So here is the formula. That we're gonna be talking about today.  Yeah, intimacy communication formula, and it's got five steps. Yeah, and the first step is set yourself up for success, then set the scene, then open the window into your world, step into their world, and let go of the outcome.

And that's we're going to be working through this formula.  Thank you for your engagement. Yes,  Christine, Masha, beautiful.  So let's go with the first one. 

Step 1: Set Yourself Up for Success

Set yourself up for success. Yeah.  What does it actually mean to set yourself up for success?  And the thing is,  preparing yourself mentally, emotionally, physically before diving into really difficult conversation.

Cause intimacy is a difficult conversation. It's very vulnerable. That vulnerability makes it difficult. And it's really important to actually set yourself up for success. And that's what I see. We actually fail when we set ourselves up for failure. It's like, that's where it stops. And  no technique is going to help you.

Yeah. No amount of five statements are going to help you if you're not setting yourself up for success to start with, because then it just becomes like you repeat something, but actually the energy is not there.  And this allows you to actually speak authentically, speak calmly and become an invitation so your partner can respond to you.

Yeah.  It gives space to your partner to step forward. They can step forward and give us what we need. It creates a sense of freedom, focus on connection.  And if we miss that crucial step, nothing is gonna help.  We set ourselves up for failure. So this is like, from all the steps, this is the most important step.

All the rest of information you can find anywhere, but actually, this is what's really important. Yeah,   And so the first part is actually connecting to your feminine energy, yeah,  and feminine energy embodies receptivity, flow, intuition, love, openness, yeah, it's about grounding in the body, being open to your emotions.

Yeah.  Stepping into your sensual feminine power.  And why is this important? Because feminine energy is really inviting. It allows us to communicate from a softer place, from a gentler place, being receptive rather than defensive. And then what it does, it creates this receptiveness in our partners. 

Yeah, and if we miss this first step, then they're more likely to become defensive and we're not gonna get what we want And then the conversation goes sideways. Yeah,   and this is exactly this is the set yourself up for success This is what we saw practice in the my sexually empowered radiant woman course because it's not just about the techniques It's actually about who you are and how you feel.

Yeah, and how you handle the emotions   So the next one, you need to identify your core emotions and fears. And right now I invite you to write it down.  Yeah.  What is it that you're actually afraid of? Yeah. When you ask,  especially sexually, especially in the bedroom, what are you afraid of? What are your core fears? 

And naming this emotions before speaking to a partner. Yeah. It really reduces their power. It allows you to be more conscious. Yeah.  And then the conversation is not as loaded.  You can be more grounded. Yeah.  So just write down your fears. 

And so next one, you need to love yourself up. Yeah. You need to give yourself self compassion, self love. Yeah.  And it's important because when you approach the conversation from a place of self love, yeah, rather than deficiency,  you feel more confident. You feel worthy.  When you're filled with that self compassion, you're less likely to seek validation from your partner, right?

You're less likely to react to their reaction  and you feel secure in expressing yourself. And then it really creates space for your partner to step in, to listen to you, not to become defensive.  And so right now I wonder if you can,  maybe you can touch your face, hold your cheeks,  hold them gently. 

And just tell yourself, I'm right here with you.  Yeah, I want to know  what you want, I want to know your desires.  I want to know your boundaries,  and you are so worthy of expressing them, you are so worthy of love.  Now I'm right here.  Maybe you can even say I love you, or I care about you. See what feels right. 

So stepping into self love, ah, is so important, cause then what it allows us is to step into self worth.  We feel worthy.  We're less likely to apologize for our needs, for our boundaries, for our desires. We're less likely to feel we're too much. And what it creates, we're less likely to push. Cause quite often,  and that's, I see it happens.

When women start to feel like I'm more empowered, I can speak about my desires, my needs, my boundaries. They can become a bit too forceful. Yeah. Because it's like a pendulum. When I was on this side and I couldn't speak about what I want, what I need, And then I find this power and now I can speak. And we go to the other side where we speak with such strength and sometimes anger, sometimes frustration.

We're not even aware of that. But that really shuts our partners down and they feel like they need to protect themselves.  So, so important to actually process that anger and that frustration of not being able to voice your desires and step into that self worth where it's a, it's a way calmer space, like find it in yourself, right?

If I'm here and I don't speak anything, right, then at a certain point I go to this side and I really start to push what I need, what I desire, my boundaries. And actually there's a middle ground, yeah, where I feel confident in myself comfortable and I can speak with softness, I can speak with openness, I can become an invitation. 

Can you see how this is so important? This set yourself up for success is hugely important, like nothing else is going to work if you miss this step.  I wonder, yeah, if you can comment please.  The mantra for you could be here that I'm worthy of being heard, of being understood, I'm worthy of asking to be sexually fulfilled.

Yeah, I'm worthy of saying no when things don't feel right to me.  So the next one is letting go of resentments. And again, this is such a huge piece. Yeah. And it's again, when pendulum is here, when I'm not speaking up, we build resentment. Yeah. And if you don't release resentments past frustrations, it can really cloud the conversation. And the piece here is Even if you're single, yeah, and you have resentments with your past partner, you're still carrying it with you.

You have to process it. You have to let go of those resentments. Because your new partner is not even gonna know what it's all about. Yeah, and quite often that's what happens. We go through life, we build up resentment, and then when we ask for what we need or we say what we don't want, it's like all this resentment is at the back, and then the conversation becomes so loaded, no wonder our partners can't hear us, yeah, because they have no idea what's going on. 

And it really creates a defensive barrier, yeah, like we become defensive, our partners become defensive, and it's really,  takes away from safety and openness. Yeah, and letting go of resentments creates that space for empathy, for understanding. Yeah, it's very essential for successful conversation.

And so right now, I invite you to take your journal. Yeah, we just have a minute. Where if you can write down  anything that's bothering you, any resentments you're aware of.  Yeah, and they can start with always like men always or you can talk to your partner like you're always yeah Or you never men never women never yeah, so if you can just spend a minute writing down  Who are you resenting it for what 

just keep on writing all it is what comes up  try not to censor yourself just write down  You always, you never, I resent you for, and keep on writing. 

And yes, Masha, that's exactly it, I can't become an invitation if I've got,  hurts, past hurts, past resentments. 

So maybe if you're someone, if you can write down here,  what are you, who are you resenting and for what?  As it relates to intimacy, and I invite you to continue this, , continue journaling about this. 

And yes, if you complete whatever you wrote right now and we go to the next step, but do continue that,  it's a really deep exploration.  And so then the next step for setting yourself up for success is to step into curiosity.  Because see, once, right, once I feel comfortable in myself, once I've connected to my sensuality, to my feminine energy, I love myself up, I let go of resentments, then I can be curious about my partner. 

Then I really can step into that curiosity, but before that I can't, yeah, because all that kind of luggage, it's all there, the weight is there, and our partners feel it,  yeah. So I hope you can see how this,  is just so, so huge, yeah.  And then the last one,  is to actually practice the conversation in a safe place, which I mean,  and that's what we're doing the course, right?

What we do, we actually,  you express it to someone else, not to your partner where it's really risky. It's really vulnerable. You can talk to a mirror, right? Write down your requests and talk to a mirror or Much better to talk to someone, to talk to a woman, a friend, in a safe, where it's safe, yeah, where you feel really safe, and you practice finding your voice, yeah, for your desires, for your boundaries,   and that practice can really, at first you can feel like, ooh, I can't really speak, this is so weird, this is like so awkward, and you start to feel all the,  weight, right, cause when you start speaking it, you're like, oh,  What's going to open up for you is why it's difficult for you.

What's behind it. And the more you practice, the more you can become clear and clear that energy, clear that weight. And then when you really talk to your partner, it becomes so much easier. Yeah. That you can become that invitation. Yeah. So this is step one.  Set yourself up for success. Hugely important and we work on this in my Sexually Empowered Radiant Woman course and I know some of you already registered.

If you haven't registered,  you'll have an opportunity to register. We start next week,  but it's, that's what we're gonna do for you. Yeah, that we're gonna set yourself up for success. So you become really empowered and Asking for what you need and having the relationship you really really want. Yeah So this is step two.

Step 2: Set the Scene

Step two is set the scene.  So how we're gonna set the scene  because, before jumping into conversation about intimacy, it's important to create right environment, yeah? So you create right environment inside yourself and then with your partner,  yeah? So both of you feel comfortable, both of you feel open.

And that's what really, creates successful conversations, huh? It ensures that your partner feels respected, right? Prepared for an intimate conversation.  So first of all, we need to ask when is the right time, yeah? And then right there, we need to tell why you want to talk. Because when we say, I have, I have something to talk to you about, quite often they expect it's something negative, yeah?

And they go into the defensive state. So very important right there to,  Say something that takes the defense down. Yeah, and that's when you say why that's how we take the defense down Yeah, and maybe it's like I'd love to talk to you because I just want to feel closer to you And there's something I found out about me that makes me feel closer to you Could we talk about it?

When would be a good time? And then we need a relaxed environment. Yeah. Creating a relaxed environment where,  there's time, there's space, kids are not running around. . The phones are not ringing, taking the phones away, but really a relaxed environment because sex is such an intimate,  matter.

Such an intimate topic. We feel so exposed. It's very loaded conversation. Yeah. Especially if you're attracted to men, it's they feel,  It's a vulnerable place, right? Not feeling like I'm not a good enough lover because they really put their sense of self worth in that. So it's really important, yeah?

But see how setting the scene is actually pretty easy, yeah? The big piece here is like, ask for one the right time and tell why you want to talk. Put it in a really positive terms, yeah? So they don't have to put the defenses up.

Yes. And yeah, you can,  imagine  the positive outcome. But I wanna share something a bit different from the positive outcome. It's more letting go of the outcome. Yeah.  So  the next piece  Yeah. I

Step 3: Open the Window into Your World

s to open the window into your world.

That's the step three. Let's see how we do that. 

 It's really inviting your partner again, right? Invitation. It's all feminine energy is inviting. Yeah. Inviting your partner into your inner world helps them to truly understand your desires, your boundaries. Yeah.  And when you share, right, with honesty, with vulnerability,  then the partner feels your vulnerability and then they're so likely to fulfill what you want.

Yeah. And I see it like when I work with my couples again and again,  it's not about  what we do and how we ask, the subject of what we ask for, but actually how we do that. And quite often couples sit with me and they're like, wow, she's been trying to tell this to me for the last 10 years. And only now I can really hear.

So it's all about  in how we do that. Yeah. It's all about in setting yourself up to for success. Yeah. So the first step, what we need to do is to actually know your desires and your boundaries. Yeah. Of course, how can I talk about something if I don't even know what it is.  Yeah,   and we have done quite a bit of work on this,  in the Unlock Your Desire challenge,  and we will do lots of work on it in our 10 week course.

So if you haven't done it,  I'm gonna do the challenge maybe next year again,  but these are the pieces that we've done. We  and the sexual desire matrix identified our shadow sexual desire blueprint identified our light sexual desire blueprint and then created your personalized desire map yeah these are essential steps to actually to understand what is it that i deeply want yeah and then creating your tree of desire yeah so this is an important work and if you haven't done it yeah you can um you can you can even email me and maybe i can give you access to the challenge if you want to but it's a really important work yeah  And so then how we open, yeah, the window into your inner world  is to know your desires and boundaries.

And for now I invite you to actually write down maybe three desires and three boundaries. What is it that  you really want and you'd love to express and you find difficult? And, right, what is it that you don't want that you'd love to express and you find difficult? See if you can write it down. Three for what you want, three desires and three boundaries. 

And maybe let me know in the Q& A. 

Three desires and three boundaries. Write them down. 

What would really excite you, huh?  Sexually, yeah? 

What would really want your partner to give you, your future partner, your current partner? 

Okay,  to be passionate,  to be playful and sexy. So, and see if you can be specific, huh? What does it actually mean, huh? Right? To be passionate, playful and sexy. What does it mean? What do you actually want your partner to do? Because this can be another piece, huh? That it can really create confusion. If you ask someone, can you please be passionate and playful with me?

What do you actually really mean, yeah? 

And that's, yes, that's the boundary, right? If I tell you I don't want sex today, I just want cuddles, that you respect it, yeah? That's a boundary, yeah?  And see if you can really be specific, because that's another piece where we lose it, huh? They can't really give us if they have no idea what it means.  We can't ask someone, can you just be more loving with me? 

Yeah, we really need to be specific. When I come home, can you please come and give me a hug and tell me that you love me?  Yeah, that's very specific, that's very clear.  Yeah,  and again, explore new ways, huh? What does it mean? Yeah,  how can we do it?  Really important to be very specific. Okay, so then you need to tell why it's important for you. 



What would it do for you? It's not just this is what I want, but this is why it's so important for me. This is why it's so matters for me because that's what creates understanding and empathy. Yeah. It allows your partner to see beyond your request, yeah, but into more kind of deeper emotional landscape. 

Why it matters to you and that's what builds true intimacy that not when we stay on the surface Yeah, but actually when we go deep  and that's what creates that I'm opening the window into my world Yeah, that why is hugely important. So when you write your desires is actually really important to reflect Why is this important for me?

So invite you to it now pick up one desire  And just write, why is this important for me?  What is the deeper need that gets fulfilled? 

And if you're driving, I know some of you might be driving, you can just think about it, huh? You can speak it out loud.  Why? 

Why is that boundary important for me? When I say no to sex  and you listen to me, why is it important? 

And so, so then where we go is that we talk about what would it do for you.  And especially if we're attracted to male partners, this is huge. Yeah. They actually need to know what would it do for us,  how our life would be different. 

 How it affect my wellbeing, our relationship, our confidence, my confidence, my sense of joy. Yeah.  Because when they see that they, that there's a benefit that it brings to you personally. Yeah. They're more likely to respond with empathy and support  that understanding their desires. Just, I'm just a request, write A to-do list, but actually  they're the keys to your emotional wellbeing, to your sexual satisfaction.

Yeah. Then it actually makes it easier for them to appreciate why it matters and then they're more likely to do that for us.  Yeah. And of course we're using the I statements, right? Like,  yeah, if I come home and you hug me and you kiss me and you tell me, I love you,  I feel more relaxed. I feel more open to actually having sex later on.



Or when you touch my breasts. Yeah in this gentle way. Yeah, when you kiss my breasts what it does for me It actually opens up my heart  and I feel more love for you and my body is more open for you And I feel more sexually aroused.

And then the last one Is actually, I'm not the last one there, fourth one, second to last, is talk about how it will benefit your relationship, yeah?  What actually would happen to the relationship as a whole that is not just for you? And it's always like that, the desires and boundaries are not just for you, that's for relationship, yeah? 

And when your partner understands that  fulfilling your needs and desires will deepen your connection, enhance your bond, right? It shifts the conversation from the individual needs to the shared connection, right?  And that shows that by supporting each other's desires and boundaries, you're both investing in a happier, more fulfilling relationship. 

Yeah, and you might say, like, when I feel safe to express myself with you, yeah? When I can talk to you about my fantasies, then I'm able to connect with you deeply. I

Expressing Desires and Boundaries

t brings us closer, so could you please listen to my fantasies without making fun of them? Yeah,  and then it really highlights that mutual benefit. 

And then, of course, they're more likely to do that when they see the benefit for the relationship.  And this last piece is hugely important, and that's what we will often miss, is actually what do you need from me to give that to me?  And in that, the onus is on you, they don't have to remember,  it's your desire, it's your boundary, you're responsible for it, yeah? 

It's like when you're making love and your partner not paying attention to your breasts, You can just like,  Remind them, yeah, I'd love you to pay some attention to my breasts, could you please hold me gently, yeah, or more vigorously, huh, yeah. So we're not pushing responsibility onto them. By expressing our desire, it doesn't mean that now they're responsible for fulfilling it,

or same, right, when I, I don't want sex and my partner kind of insists on having sex or they become grumpy, it's like, well, actually, darling, yeah, it would really help me, yeah, please.  Can we just cuddle?  So the onus is always on you. Yeah. By sharing your desires, they're not becoming responsible. And that's what I see how it can become a to do list.

And then our partners are less likely to do that for us. Yeah. But if they know that it's actually our responsibility, we're not putting the onus on them to fulfill us. We're going to ask, yeah. And your partner might say, Oh, Well, maybe when I come home and I just go right, into the, whatever, my computer or something, can you please remind me and come in front of me and then I'll remember that I need to hug you and kiss you and tell you that I love you.

 Does this make sense?  This is hugely important step. And that's how, when we open the window into our world, it's really, we become an invitation. Yeah. I'm taking responsibility. This is what I need. This is what I do for me.  Yeah. And then of course, they like, they're so much more likely to do it for us.

It builds a stronger foundation for intimacy, for understanding, for trust. And imagine, right, if you come into this conversation, instead of opening the window into your world, quite often what happens,  this great. Conversation loaded with resentment or this is not happening. Yeah. All this fear. And of course, then we don't get what we need and we keep feeling dissatisfied. 



 Okay, so the next one.  Thank you, sounds good. 

Stepping into Their World

Yes, so the next one is to step into their world. Yeah, we open the window into our world and we're stepping into their world. Yeah.  And what does it mean to step into their world?  Because when you step into their world, you're creating a space to really understand their perspective.

Yeah. Understand their needs, understand their desires. And it becomes not just, it's about me. Yeah. But it's about us. And that's what shifts the conversation from about me. It's about us.  Yeah. And it builds trust. It really shows your partner that you're interested in being mutual. Yeah.  And the first step is to connect to your curiosity. 

And. It's easy to say, but it's more difficult to do.  But it's not about responding, about solving. It's actually about being curious and learning. I want to learn more about you.  And when we're curious, we open ourselves up to discovering, right? Who they are, what they truly need,  and we can, take a deep breath.

clear our mind from misconceptions, right? And focus on exploring what they have to say. And that's where I feel like sometimes if I have, if we do the visualization, yeah, where we feel like, oh, it's going to go positive. Yeah. We build an expectation in our mind that they're going to respond positively.

And when we have that expectation, it actually can interfere with our curiosity. And it feels like it might feel like a weight on them. Yeah. That, oh, you already feel it's gonna I'm gonna say yes and when you ask you feel like I'm gonna say yes and then you're gonna be disappointed if I say no yeah so  if that makes sense  I'd suggest that yeah instead of visualization actually step into curiosity it's quite a different space yeah instead of feeling that it's gonna go positive yeah And so next we're asking them, right, about their needs, about their desires, or how does it feel what I've shared with you, yeah, when I share with you my need,  what comes up for you, yeah.

And then it's really important,  to listen deeply,  share without interrupting, without jumping in with your own perspective,  and be fully present. And that's a lot of what we're learning in the course, in the 16th woman course, we really learn how can I be fully present to another human being and listen to them as if they're the most important person right now.

And I open my heart, I open my body. I don't just listen from my judgmental mind. Yeah. So really opening yourself up and listening with your whole body. It creates so much,  change and shift in the relationship.  And now next one.  

Managing Emotional Triggers

Which is a really tricky one and that's why actually it all,  falls into pieces quite often is we need to manage our feelings, yeah,  because that really can go wrong, yeah, and you lose your capacity to listen  if you get triggered by what they say, especially if it relates to your needs and desires and they say something that that's not what you expected, yeah,  and the thing is, it's most of the time, it's not that we can't share. 

It's that we and others can't listen without being emotionally triggered.  Yeah, and that's why we keep on asking,  right? We we stop asking, we stop sharing because  we're scared that it's going to trigger us, it's going to trigger them and it's not going to go well. And that's how we learn not to even voice what we need, what we want.

And this is where emotional mastery comes in. You actually really need to know, yeah, that when someone is saying something that triggers me, I can actually handle my emotions. I don't have to shut them down.  Yeah. Because, and I work like I work with couples and I see it again and again. It's not that the, it's not that,  I can't share, no one listens to me.

It's like,  We do share. but then no one can actually listen without being triggered. Yeah.  And the thing is,  this is the break it or make it point. Yeah. And no amount of technique is going to help you if you get triggered. Yeah. If you don't manage your feelings,  because your partner might be triggered by what you ask. 

And if they're triggered, you really need to keep connected to yourself and you need to manage your feelings because if they get triggered, you get triggered. It's escalates. Yeah. It gets worse and worse and worse. So managing your emotions is so important. And yeah, we do a lot of that because it's actually not something,  it's not a technique that you can learn.

It's actually, you really need to learn how it works in your body. How can I calm myself down? And at the end, it all comes back to feeling worthy. to feeling confident in yourself. That I, that's again, we go to, all right, set yourself up for success. That when I don't need another person validation, I can actually give them space to express themselves without being triggered, without feeling like it's an attack on me.

 And so just a couple of tips here.  It's important instead of reacting to breathe. So invite all of you right now to take a deep breath. 

Yeah. And thank you, Brenda. Yes. Brenda is part of the cause. Beautiful to see you here with us. Yes.  Yeah,  that years of resentment and frustration can really,  yeah, stop us. And then we can't manage our feelings, yeah. So taking a deep breath,  feeling your feet on the ground, yeah.  And understand that the story, what is the story I'm making about what they're saying?

Because usually it's the story we're making about what they're saying that triggers us. Yeah, and our partners might be triggered in that place, right? So it's so important to stay calm, to stay present, not to shut down the communication. Yeah. And bring honesty. You might say that actually I'm feeling really triggered, but what do you say right now? 

And I need some time to figure it out. I need some time to figure out why am I triggered, what's actually going on.  And I really appreciate you sharing this with me.  I want to listen to you, but somehow it's painful right now, it's triggering, it creates anxiety in me. But please, please don't make it mean that I don't want to listen to you.

I do want you to share with me, but right now I'm struggling with managing my emotions. Yeah,  can we please have a break and come back to this? Because I need to understand, yeah, why I can't listen to you right now.  Can you see how this is different here? And this is a break to make it a point, huh? And quite often with couples, and that's why I work with couples, that if we're at a place where there's a lot of resentment and past hurts, we actually need someone else.

You need a therapist to sit there with you, to slow you down, so you can start listening to each other, yeah? And it does take time. But it's beautiful work because when we start listening to each other, then, Oh, now I get you. Yeah.  And then you start to speak in a different way. Yeah. You start to speak from that place of setting yourself up for success and amazing things happen then. 

Yes. And thank you. Yeah. Taking responsibility for my wants. Yes.  Yes.  Okay.  And then we mirror back, right? Once, if we can manage our feelings, yeah? So that's really important. Then we can say, okay, this is what I hear you say, yeah? So they can feel that you understand them. Both of you feel understood, they feel like, oh yeah, you can listen to me, you understand.

You might say like, something like, so what I'm hearing is, or it sounds like you feel. Yeah. And then, and see then, if when this come place, then we can validate their feelings, we can appreciate the sharing. Yeah. But if we can't manage our feelings, if we're triggered by what they share, then, right, the formula doesn't make sense because we can't do that. 

Yeah. And so it's important to acknowledge their feelings,  to acknowledge what they share.  Yeah,  appreciate the sharing.  And then at the last step, yeah, you can ask, how can I support you? Yeah, what do you need from me?  And again, in that way, they take responsibility for their feelings, for their needs, for their desires.

It's not up to you, right? To always know what they need, what they desire, their boundaries, but actually,  What do you need? How can I support you? Yeah. If you need for me to hug you more, how can I support you? Right. What can we do together?  Maybe I need you to remind me and then I can give you more hugs.



Okay. 

Letting Go of the Outcome

And so this last one, hugely important. It's actually let go of the outcome.  Hugely important to actually really feeling,  that,  creating that space, becoming an invitation, that there's a space for the partner to step in.  And that's when the communication becomes more about connection rather than actually I, I'm sharing with you because this is what I want to get out of you.

Yeah. It actually invites both of you to be present, to stay open without pressure, without expectation. We're just working it out. Yeah.  And.  It's really important,  to release fixed expectations,  that maybe your partner is not going to say yes. Maybe it doesn't work for them, but maybe you can come up with something else.

Maybe something else will work better for you.  And if we hold right until they start specific outcomes about, about,  on expectation, it just shuts down communication. And our partners feel the load. It feels heavy for them.  So it feels controlling. They're trying to control me. They're just expressing what they need and  they expect that I'm going to fulfill it.

And then the whole conversation becomes like I'm trying the best way to get what I want. Yeah. Rather than actually I'm trying to come closer to you. I'm trying to understand you. I want you to understand me. It becomes,  yeah, it's more about connection rather than the outcome.  And there is this freedom that comes with that.

And to do that, we actually really need to focus on connection, not on control, not on getting what we want. Yeah. So before starting this conversation, you really need to know that it's all about connection rather than getting your needs met. Yeah, because actually the, the deeper need is connection. Yeah.

It's not,  doing it in a specific way, but actually it's connection. And when we can have those conversations, we actually, we start experiencing deeper connection. We start to feel more free, like freer in sexual intimacy. Yeah.  And so the next one is try again, trust the process. I'll let go of control.

We're doing this together. We're working it out together. Yeah. How can excite you more sexually? How can you fulfill me more sexually? We're working it out together. And even having that open conversation is going to mean so much to the amount of intimacy you have. Yeah.  And the trust actually needs to be earned.

You need to together. I need to learn how can we let go of control. Yeah. How can we trust together that we're going to work it out because we want to be together, because we want to stay connected.  And the next one is be flexible, huh? Yeah. Be open to alternative solutions, alternative ideas that your partner might suggest, because this flexibility is really showing your partner that you're willing to adapt.

Yeah. And we call it,  open to influence. Yeah. Am I open to influence or is this the only way I want it? And that's the end of it. But can we work it out together?  And then next one is practice that it's enough. Yeah, and that's a big one because sometimes we might feel like, well, I've shared now I really want this.

Yeah. I really want this. I really want a different experience. I want you to give this to me. But practicing it was enough. What I've shared was enough. Us having a conversation around it is enough. It doesn't need to happen immediately, but it's enough and I'm enough and my partner is enough.  Yeah. 

So let me know how, how you relate to this one. 

And the next one  is practicing gratitude. Yeah. Really saying to your partner, thank you and saying thank you to yourself. Yeah. I've opened up this conversation that was so difficult to have. Yeah. About sexuality, about.  What I want, what I don't want, what works, what not.  And actually, I'm so grateful that you're here with me and we can do this together.

Yeah, even right in the moment if you get triggered, if things don't go as well as they should be,  practicing, it's enough. This is the way it went and I'm grateful that we can, I can even talk about it, huh? 

Okay,  so this is the formula, yeah, set yourself up for success, set the scene, open the window into your world, step into their world and let go of the outcome. 

Course Overview and Steps to Success

And if I just,  maybe if I just have a couple of moments, I want to talk about the course and then we go into applying this formula to your current situation, yeah.

And we'll have another 25 minutes here so we can be together. And so if you haven't signed up yet for the course, I highly recommend,  because this is the best way we can set you up for success in intimacy. Yeah. And it's not about, you can't think your way through it. It's really about who you are being.

Yeah. And  when you shift who you are being, then everything else falls into place. Yeah. And this is what we do during the course.  And I'll just take you step by step through the five steps. And even if you don't want to do the course,  it's really useful for you to write this down and to see which is the point that you need to work on.

Yeah. What is it missing  in the way you relate that  can be the key for you, right? Can shift so much for you.  And so the first step is to activate your potential. Yeah. And,  it's about creating a new story. Yeah. For your life, for your relationship, for who you are as a woman. And  because we don't even know what it means to enjoy intimacy that melts your heart, that delights your soul, that fulfills you quite often.

Our story is We don't allow ourselves to feel the potential of what is possible. And then we sell ourselves short. Yeah. Then we have intimacy that doesn't really fulfill us, but we're like, well, that's how it is. And quite often, women like, okay, I'm older now. And that's how it is. I can't have anything more.

So, so important to actually really step into this new story and see the bigness of what you can actually have in your life. Hugely important. 

Personal Stories and Testimonials

And I just want to,  You can just listen. 

What's been huge for me is my opening up in terms of my feelings. So I've always known that feelings are really, really important, but it's not since I was a teenager maybe, and I sobbed in my room when I was that age, that I really let my feelings out.  I, since then, I've, I've been married, I've been through divorce  and all sorts of stuff has happened.

And although I felt a little bit sad or a little bit tearful, I haven't, I've somehow had this strategy, a clever strategy to avoid those feelings that must've been created when I was a child. I've been able to soften, to really soften and to allow those feelings to come out. And it's been great. It's been so, so healing and so, so amazing.

And I really feel so much softer  and more in touch with who I am. 

This is how we can shift the way we are. Yeah. And that's what's so important. It's not about the techniques. And I know like as many as there are, you've said I've statements and blah, blah, blah. But if we don't shift our internal state, nothing works and then we get frustrated.

Yeah. So it's all about actually setting yourself up for success. And so the second step is.  What's really important is to release trauma, shame, judgments. Yeah. Because unless we release,  like, unless we can, right, we transform our inner critical voice.  Unless we stop feeling that shame, we actually can't fully express ourselves.

Yeah. We keep on,  hiding ourselves and intimacy happens when we can open our hearts, when we can invite the other person to come closer to us. Yeah. And if I feel shame or I judge myself, then I can't let them come close to me. And then no amount of, we can try and do things, but actually.  It just doesn't go deep.

Yeah. And other people, the thing is what happens is that if I feel ashamed or guilty, or I've got all these judgments, then  there's a lack of trust and the other person can't really feel into us. They can't really see us. They can't see our beauty. And it's really difficult to create relationships. Yeah.

And especially if you are single right now,  it's,  Again, you really need to tap into your own radiance. And if I feel those judgments, I can't tap into my own inner radiance and then I'm not as attractive. And I might feel like, oh, it's because I'm old or because of that, all of that. But actually, it has nothing to do with our age, shape, size.

It has more to do with our radiance. And when we have trauma shame judgments, it shuts us down. Yeah, it dims our light. Yeah,  and that's what Nikki says from what happened to her going through trauma and going through the training, how it actually opened up things for her. I'm happy that we've been having intimacy again because we were pretty much lacking for the beginning of the course.

We didn't have intimacy for mid month. I felt Nikki, my heart. Soften a little bit. Also wanting to practice being in my body. Intimacy as well.  Desire coming back. So there's more connection there than was there before. It is really big. I'm awakened.  More seeds have been planted for me. I understand now my own responsibility in it more clearly, as well as the way I've been asking for things.

It's a very emotional place in a lot of my relationship. Which I feel has caused a lot of disconnect. I, I feel it's a gift to understand them more clearly now. I do feel my heart open more. I feel my body open more. I feel my yoga practice change. I feel the way I navigate my communication change. So, it's satisfying to do this work.

It's not easy though. It's also honestly helped me process my sexual rape and my trauma.  I could see any woman benefiting,   so see how again, right? The shift in who we are changes how we relate, yeah? How we ask, because quite often, if we have resentment or we feel like fear, then we can And I'm not going to be listening to, then we become too forceful. And then our partners don't respond well to that. And then we wonder why.

So, so important to do this foundational work. Yeah. And so the number step three is like, we go into unlocking your ancient body wisdom. Yeah. So it's so important because sex happens in the body. Intimacy happens in opening our heart, our soul, right? Our body, physical body to another human being. So it's so important to first start to feel at home in the body, start to feel safe in the body, connect to the body.

Yeah. Because once that happens, everything changes.  Yeah, so it's hugely important and right now you're checking with yourself How do you feel safe in your body? How connected do you feel to your body? Yeah,  do you feel like quite often we feel just in the head or just in the heart?

But actually do you feel your whole body your sexuality connected to your heart? Yeah to your belly to your throat like all of you is right here  And that's so important. We can't have fulfilling intimacy if there's a sense  so this is,  okay, this is another woman, the last one, if you can listen to her,  and it's beautiful what she shares,  how her life changed. 

It's amazing. It's fantastic. It really is this bubbling and it's like you often describe it. It comes from the earth and comes up through you and actually comes completely  out of your body and out of fingers and hands and yeah, your laughter and just a general sense of being more relaxed in yourself. 

And before this course, I certainly felt very disconnected, the very in my head.  Even while I teach Pilates and we're very talking about the body, from a very physiological point of view, a completely different experience than this.  This is an energy which just flows and  I never felt this beautiful  sense of energy because I had so much trauma inside that I had no idea that was actually in my body.

Yeah, I'd experienced trauma and I understood I'd experienced trauma and I'd had so much counseling around that with so many people, which was continually just rehashing and making you relive that. And what I found so beautiful about your course. As if there's been none of that.  There's been none of having to go back and relive those horrors.

But we've just sat in sometimes difficult places.  And you've just been there and just supported that. And we've acknowledged it. And different parts of me have had to talk through that pain. And I really can't express how that trips the pain. Like I'm, I'm still  quite surprised how just doing that can create this shift in your body.

It's just quite an indescribable way that these things can move. 

Yeah. Sounds for me so beautiful to hear and,  this is right. This is, we talk about internal shifts and we have to,  we can't do it by ourselves. That's the piece that I found and I couldn't do it by myself. We actually really need support of others. And that's why I love women's group work because it's not just me there for you.

It's actually the whole group is there for you. And when you have that much safety, that's much holding, we can process so much more. We can let go of so much resentment and past hurts and really learn how to the next step, right? How to ignite the power and beauty of your sexuality. Yeah. And it's all about connecting your heart to your sex center.

It's really, it's,  learning sacred sexuality practices that can open your body more and more. So you can start experiencing that beautiful energy, that bliss energy inside your body. And then again, you invite your partner into that blissful energy with you. It's not up to them to give it to us. Yeah.

And that's why you're here. Yeah. It's not up to them. It's for you. Once you find that bliss in you. Once you find that flow in your body, you can invite them. And then they're like, wow, this is a different experience. We can create something different together. Yeah. So, so important,  these steps.

And then the last step of the program is to create your unique gradients maps, which, that  we create a practice that you can take after the course and you can keep on practicing you can keep on expanding your radiance yeah you can keep on being connected to your sexuality to your heart and start experiencing very different love making yeah that really fulfills you  okay and so if you want If you have, if you're not part of the course yet, I highly recommend, at least you book a session with me.

Yeah. It's a soulful sex life session and we can see the steps up for you, what you need to do. And you don't have to sign up for the course. I will give you more information about the course. But it's going to be helpful for you on your journey. Yeah. And especially if you're interested to come to the course, I highly recommend, and it's free.

I'm not going to charge you anything. And  It's up to you, right? If you want to continue with us or not, but I know even coming to the call, you're going to get so much out of it. Yeah. And remember that not all size fits all right. You are unique. Yeah. So we're gonna understand what's actually,  what is your old block?

Yeah. So we can diagnose what's going on with you. Yeah. And design your own unique map to self fulfilling intimacy. And maybe you need to align with what's possible for you, right? Step into that new possibility. Maybe you need to process specific past incidents, right? That you need to let go. Maybe you need to let go of resentments.

Maybe you need to learn how to connect your sexuality to your heart. Yeah, you're all unique. Just remember. And the piece is that we can't do this by ourselves. And if you feel like you've been falling short, right, or you've been failing, nothing is working, it means that you didn't have enough support.

This is the only thing that it means. Yeah. And  We can't really do it by ourselves, especially in our culture, in our body shaming, sex shaming culture. We can't do it by ourselves. So please, even if I'm not your person here, find someone who can support you. It's hugely important and your whole life experience can change.

Yeah.  Okay.  

Practical Steps for Intimacy Conversations

So,  Right now I invite you,  I'll just give you an example,  yeah, how to have that conversation. And we go with,  set yourself up for success. Yeah. And these are the steps that need to happen. And I'll just give you an example so you can, have an idea of how to have this conversation, how to actually go about it.

Yeah. Even though it's much deeper. Yeah.  So these are the steps we need to do. Yeah.  And so for an example,  first you start with connecting to your feminine energy. And right now, just taking a couple of few deep breaths.  Yeah, and you soften your body. See if you can soften your lips, your throat, your heart, your belly. 

Yeah, soften into yourself.  And remind yourself,  that asking for your needs is an act of self love, of loving the other, of respecting the relationship.  Yeah, it's in service to the relationship.  And also right now if you can just speak it out to yourself,  speak it out loud. What's wonderful about you?

What are your gifts?  Yeah? What's beautiful about you? What do you appreciate about yourself? So you can love yourself up.  See if you can share a couple of things with yourself. 

Yeah? So this is step one, yes? Set yourself up for success. 

And next one we go. Set the scene. Yeah?  So these are the steps to set the scene.  Yeah, and so that's how you can do it, huh? You can ask, huh, can we chat for a few minutes about something that's on my mind, huh? And it would help me to feel closer to you. When would be a good time? 

So remember, tell the why, ask for time, and frame it positively. 

So the next step is to open the window into your inner world. This is an example of how to do that.  You can say, lately I've been realizing  That physical touch is so important for me to feel connected, yeah? Because, and it's important for me because it helps me feel closer to you, it helps me feel more at ease with you. 

And I'd love it if we could share more hugs or kisses, even outside of the bedroom.  And then you talk about the wine, the benefit to the relationship, yeah? Then I feel more open to you, want to listen to you, and even have more sex.  Yeah, 

and then take step  four, stepping into their world, yeah. And this is an example of how you can step into their world.  Yeah, you can ask how you feel about your request, listen to their response, listen deeply, listen with curiosity.  Yeah, how do you feel about that? I'd love to know your thoughts.  Yeah, and then you can ask, is there anything you need  from me  to give me more affection, to give me more hugs?

Yeah, do you need me to remind you? Do you need me to touch you more? What do you need from me so you can fulfill my need for more hugs, more affection? Yeah, and what can I do for you? What are your needs and desires that we haven't spoken about?  And then the next one is letting go of the outcome. Yeah, it's so important, huh? 

Letting go of the outcome.  And you can just say, yeah,  thank you  for being open. Yeah,  say,  thank you. I'm grateful for our conversation. I'm grateful for our connection.  And I would really love to be able to give you what you need.  Yeah,  and so I'm letting go of the outcome.  You don't need to fulfill me, but this is my desire.

This is my boundary  Yeah, and we started the conversation.  Yeah, so these are the five steps, huh? I'll show you again the five steps and I hope this week Yeah, maybe even tomorrow you can practice it, huh? Very important. So you can put in a practice, you can remember. So find a need, a desire, a boundary. And maybe it's not just sexual.

If it's sexual, it's beautiful. If it's not just sexual,  and start with something small, very important. Don't give yourself like, I want to share this big fantasy with you. And can we have a threesome or, have sex on the beach? Can we  take with something small so you can practice?

Yeah. And once you practice, because if it's something small, you're less likely to get triggered by the response. Yeah. So it's easier to manage. So start with something small, go through the formula and talk. Yeah. So you can implement it. And.  Do book the session. Yeah. If you haven't booked it yet and it's,  you can do it only once, right?

If you have done it before, you can have another one. Sorry about that. But yeah, and we're going to start the course next week. So, it'll be nice to have you with us and.  This is what I really want you to take, huh? Don't wait for heart melting sex, but cause it to happen in your life. And yeah, knowing the intimacy formula is part of it, huh?

And you can email me tarisha. radiantwoman. co. nz. You can find me on Facebook or in our group. We have a Facebook group, Magnetic Woman Facebook group.

And Brandon Marsha is. I'm just super excited to have you with us, super excited that you're gonna be part of our course. And a big big warm hug, please do give me feedback how this was for you,  and bye!